isurvivedthekobayashimaru:

I was at walmart the other day, and I was sitting on a bench waiting for my mom to pay, and I was braiding my hair because that’s something I do when I’m bored, and this dude walks by and says, “hey baby, what else can you do with your hands?” I gave him my most polite smile and said in the sweetest way possible, “strangle you.”

And I think I actually scared him because his eyes got kind of wide and he just walked away.

bluebeanze:

friendship is so weird???

Like it starts out with compliments and cute things and then suddenly it does a complete 360 and you just start screaming at them and calling them motherfucker

zackisontumblr:

you know a text post has made it to the big time when it gets stolen by twitter parody accounts

maehgan:

i may have liked your post but that doesn’t mean i like you

image

parrotcakes:

IF EVERYONE BECAME HOTTER EVERY TIME THEY WERE A GOOD PERSON AND BECAME UGLY WHEN THEY DID HORRIBLE SHIT OH MY GOD

itsbetterthananal:

im 500% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow already

when you’re reading a book and you spot a typo

iwannabeyourgentleman:

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marypoppinthatpussy:

The number of inches you leave my door open is the number of inches the depth of my knife will be in your chest

pizza:

graffeti:

i wonder what its like to be so hot that everyone gets nervous talking to you

ohhh so that’s why no one ever talks to me!

astrobit:

if slugs were fast it would be very scary

using my mom's money: im going to buy that, and that. $150? im definitely buying that.
using my money: $2? maybe that's too much...

doingtimeasacapsicle:

teapayne:

I think a great idea for reality tv is to take 15 random teens from around the world that are addicted to the computer, and put them in an amish village until they have a mental breakdown 

calm down hitler, this isn’t the hunger games

69shadesofgray:

If my jokes offend you:

  1. I’m sorry
  2. It won’t happen again
  3. 1 & 2 are lies 
  4. You’re a pussy

I HAVE TWO EXAMS TOMORROW I AM SHITTING BRICKS AND I NEEDED TO WRITE IT OKAY IM GOING TO GO CRY NOW 

electrichaz